Life Happens

I haven’t been online much at all for a couple of weeks.  No single reason; just a combination of everyone in the family taking turns being sick, shop time, and just a string of things that just cropped up. 

My wife was equally affected.  This is one of those times that having a partner who does a good job of balancing workouts with everyday life is something I really treasure.  Too many athletes consider training to be the focus of their lives instead of part of it.  No long deep thoughts here- just a quick note thanking my wife for making the effort to balance life with working out, be it going early to the gym, working out in the basement for a bit instead of going to the gym, or just skipping a day or two when she was needed here.  To all the athletes who don’t think their partner has a problem with the amount of time they spend training, believe me when I say they do at least some of the time.  Making the effort to put working out back burner for a time to be there more for your family will be noticed and greatly appreciated.  Trust me- you want to build up goodwill.  You’ll need it when training time comes for that next ironman. 

Remember: Life happens.  Make sure you’re around to see it.

Friends

I need my hearing checked.

My wife told me the other evening “I’m going to go ride the guys tomorrow morning.  They’ll be about 20-40 of them.”  After realizing I must have missed a “with” after the word go, I thought about what she said.  Unless my wife is starting a new career on youporn, I understood she meant it was time for another group bike ride with her friends.  That and it’s time for a visit to an audiologist.  Although the situation is funny to us, for many couples a racer’s group of friends is a source of problems. 

Triathletes and marathoners participate in a sport that to an extent encourages the type of egotism that causes non-athletes to feel excluded.  So if your partner has a group of new friends that you don’t feel welcome being around, there is going to be problems eventually.  A while back Kimee and I went to a party by a local tri club she’s in.  Care to guess the grand total of non- athletes out of 30 or so people?  2- Just me and one other husband.  I’m normally not great at working a room, but this was ridiculous.  At the beginning we all had to introduce ourselves.  As soon as it was realized I wasn’t an athlete, there was no reason to talk to me.  The only person who carried on a lengthy conversation with me wanted me to donate one of the knives I make as a door prize.  Let’s just say it was not a couple of hours I care to repeat.

Athletes need to make sure they give as much priority to their partners as they do to their racing buddies.  They also need to make sure that their partners know they are more important than the dude who helps you improve your split times.  And don’t give me that “if it bothered them they would say something” crap.  I can speak from firsthand experience: Unless I’m ready to throw something at a wall, I’m extremely reluctant to add one more thing to my wife’s list of demands on her time.

Let’s face it- a day has only 24 hours.  And athletes spend many of those hours working out with people other than their partners. Time for a simple experiment:  for 2 weeks keep a log of how much time you spend working out with others (that includes gym time since most athletes train at the same times).  Also keep track of either how much time your partner and you spend alone.  I would be willing to bet in most cases the ratio is at least 3-4 to 1 in favor of workout time for most triathletes or marathoners.  That is something your partner can’t fix alone.  You’re the athlete always striving for the next milestone goal.  Here’s the new one- making your partner is more of a priority than some damn race. Do non-athletes need to be assertive in making sure they aren’t trampled like a Gatorade cup at a mile 12 water stop?  Yes.  And athletes need to make sure they aren’t the ones doing the stomping.

It won’t take much: just a little effort by both sides.  Anyone who can run a race (any anyone who can put up with them training for it) can find a way to make sure “spouse” ahead of “exercise” on the to do list. 

Dave

Guys- learn from the women!

I’ve been lazy and haven’t posted for a few days, so time to get back to it.  Over the weekend my wife and I went to Indianapolis for her to run a half marathon.  I didn’t know it was a women’s only race till we got there.  I have to say guys you could learn something.  The vibe at the race was far more positive than any I’ve ever seen at other races. 

The whole race scene seems to be one long ego trip to me when I watch most races.  This one didn’t.  It really seems like a big team event. I also noticed many more people doing what my wife was there for: to shepherd someone running their first race.  I also didn’t see the usual snarky/ cliquish behavior at the expo I’ve seen way too much in other race.  Maybe it was the fact that this was a short race and therefore “beneath” the arrogant members of the triathlon/ marathon community.  Whatever the reason, it had to be the most pleasant race I’ve ever seen, both on the course and off it. 

Congratulations ladies- you all did a wonderful job.  Guys (especially you Type-A Tri-Jerks) think real hard about following their example.  If the running community wants more people to stop rolling their eyes when they hear “Triathlete” or “Marathoner”, you need more events to look like this one. 

One final lesson: If you end up facing the situation of being the only guy accompanying 6 members of a women’s running group out to eat- GET OUT!!!!! I don’t care how you do it, but find a way to escape.  Trust me when I say that was an experience I never want to repeat.

Thanks

The best feeling ever???

I heard a commercial yesterday that dovetails into my issue about how too many amateur athletes have their head up their ass when it comes to priorities.  It had some athlete on saying how winning was “the best feeling ever”.  Really? That’s the best feeling you’ve ever had?  While I admire your achievement, I kind of feel a bit sorry for you. 

It’s one thing if you are a pro or elite level amateur (collegiate or Olympic).  Then this is your career and some level of obsession is expected.  Plus there are going to be opportunities (gold medal, national championships, etc.) that are truly life changing.  But if you’re a weekend warrior in your 30’s or 40’s with a spouse and kids and think “winning” is source of the best feelings you can get, maybe it’s time to think about your life a bit.  I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that sports based on individual achievement tend to breed ego and balance problems, but it still does confuse me.  I will admit I don’t understand how someone can build a life with someone that they love and then say something is as important (if not more important) than that partnership.  And I’m sure their partner is wondering the same thing.  As for partners, I have not spoken to my wife about this one, but I want to hear her take on this.  This may be a good place for an “athlete’s perspective” post.

The best feeling ever?  I could think of several times the feelings you have should be better in a healthy relationship. 

• The moment when you realize “This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
• Waking up together the first time as Husband and Wife.
• Finding out you are going to be a Dad or Mom.
• The birth of a child.
• Your child starting school.

That’s just a starter list.  I could go on for a couple of pages.  And that’s just the big things.  The little moments are what make a life together.  I often wonder if some of these athletes even think about what they miss or lose and what they’ll look back on 20-30 years from now.  Will it be “I had some great workouts and races.  I won!”  Or will it be “How many chances with my family did I waste?”

I have a long drive with Kimee in a few days.  I’ll use the time to get her point of view on this one.  We’ll let you know how that goes.

Talk to you later.

Dave

Holdiays- Athlete Beware!!!

As Labor Day weekend approaches I can’t help but think about how different these weekends are for the partners of athletes.  While most people are thinking about how they’re going to spend the days off, we’re getting ready for whatever race is going on this time.  This weekend is no different- I know we just got back from a triathlon, but there’s a half marathon close by, so we must go.  I will hand it to Kimee- she’s done a good job of making sure this doesn’t dominate the weekend.  We’ll be back in time for a family function, I don’t have to close my business, and we’ll be home all day Monday.  Plus she’s got a family member coming to stay with the kids, so it’s a couple of days alone for the two of us.  That’s never a bad thing.  Even so, I must admit that events on holidays always rub me the wrong way a bit.

Athletes are really good at doing an event in the morning and then checking out mentally and physically the rest of the day.   Understandable considering what they just did, but still annoying when you’re left dealing with 2 kids basically on your own on what is supposed to be a day for family.  It doesn’t take much to keep the peace- just make an effort to let your partner know you realized they take up the slack so you can devote all this time to your hobby.  Also make sure that somewhere in the middle of this ego trip (which most events are to varying degrees) your partner gets some time to for him or her.  It doesn’t take a lot: I love seeing my wife succeed at her goals.  I just need to know she feels the same way about mine.

As for events on holidays- here’s my rule of thumb for when to do or not do an event:

NEVER DO A RACE ON:

• Your partner’s birthday
• Anniversary
• Christmas/ Easter (or equivalent if you are a different faith)
• Mothers/ Fathers Day
• The same day as a family reunion, wedding, or other gathering

Any other holiday be really careful about doing a race. And make sure as much time is spent being a family instead of an athlete and his pit crew.  I’m sure Kimee and I will enjoy the weekend both at the event and (more importantly) at home.  I just have to make sure my “workout widows” shirts are clean for the expo and race.

Dave

I'm done with races for a while- YEAH RIGHT!!!!

Every spouse knows the look.  The one your partner has before saying something they know is going to fly like a concrete kite.  I got that look a couple of nights ago.  And to no surprise it involved one of an athlete’s biggest lies:  I’m done with races for (X) months.

After USAT Nationals my wife said she only had 1 race left for the year.  As soon as she starting talking I knew that list was going to grow.  I get it- it’s for charity, it involves the people from a TV show she likes, it’s close to some of her family…yeah yeah yeah.  I’m not even annoyed she wants to do it.  It fits our schedule and if the situation was reversed and I had a chance at another knife show I’d jump on it.  I just wish her (and other athletes for that matter) would be honest with themselves.  In her case- that there is no way in hell she’s going 3 months without some kind of race to do.

This is her hobby, her favorite activity, and outside of her time with family what she loves most to do.  There will always be the search for the next race, the next goal, the next milestone.  That’s not unique to athletes- in my shop I strive to make the knife I’m working on better than the one I just finished.  I just wish she would stop saying “I’m done for a while” when I know damn well that will last just till the next one comes along.

Is she being selfish? Of course- the same way I’m selfish when I go to a knife show for a weekend.  In order to be balanced there has to be times that are for you.  As part of a couple you do things for yourself- cook a meal you like, do a sexual position you like better, watch your TV show, etc.  The trick is making sure your partner has equal opportunity to do the same.  She does a good job of making her sure her selfish moments aren’t interfering with what’s more important, and I hope I’m doing as good of a job.

Will she run the race? Yep.  Will she enjoy herself? Yes.  Will I roll my eyes and think “Yeah right” the next time she says she’s taking a break from events for a while? Definitely.  Will I be happy for her afterwards? Of course- just like she’s happy for me when I enjoy a knife show.  Now if I could just get her to admit she starts looking for a new event 72 hours after she finishes the last one. 

Thanks

USAT Nationals: Good, Bad, and Ugly

Well we survived our trip to the USAT Age Group Nationals Triathlon in Burlington, Vermont.  Kimee did wonderful- I’m always proud of her accomplishments, but this one was extra sweet.  Last year she got really sick the morning of the race and had to be pulled from the water during the swim.  To see her go back this year was a great sight and a relief.  Time for the good, bad and ugly from the trip

THE GOOD:

• Watching Kimee finish.  Last year I was terrified knowing how sick she was but I knew I couldn’t tell her to not try.  Seeing her wearing that medal made the annoying moments over the last few months worth while.
• That my in laws didn’t make this trip about them.  I love them, but they can really be drama queens.  I’m glad that it didn’t turn into 10 days of me gritting my teeth.  It was great to be at a race with them that didn’t result in the cops being called- now there’s a story about how not to do a race as a family.  I’ll tell you about it sometime.
• Kimee did a great job of finding things for the kids to do on this trip.  Museums, parks, Ben & Jerry’s factory tour, and the aquarium next to the race made the kids’ vacation.  Although I’m skeptical of building vacations around races, she pulled it off.  Along the way she found time to let me have enough “me” time to keep me from going nuts.  Thanks
• The kid we met at the airport that is going pro.  He seemed like a good kid, so I hope he has a long and successful career.  Good luck

THE BAD:

·         Someone died during the race.  My prayers and thoughts go out to his family.

·         The “If your relationship’s healthy you’re not training hard enough” shirts need to go away.  I hope the people wearing them are single- if you’re married and wear that just go ahead and tell your partner “Honey- I like a sport most people think is ridiculous more than I care about how you feel.”

·         Speaking of shirts, the individuals who thought my “Partners not Spectators” shirt was so offensive to them they need to flip me off need some help.  Really mature, guys.

·         Even dumber were the people who saw the back of my shirt and decided to make fun of it behind me.  Nothing like being called fat or a dumb fuck behind my back to prove my point that a percentage of triathletes should be beaten.

·         Worst for me was the conversation I had with a woman at the aquarium on race day.  She was the definition a workout widow.  She stated that from March to September races and training was her husband’s “life”.  The bitterness and resignation in her voice was something every athlete should have to listen to.  When I suggested that I would love to have her as a guest poster or interview her for the blog, her response said it all- her husband "would be furious if I talked bad about his crap”.  He’s the exact person who needs to hear it but probably will never listen.  I felt bad for her.

THE (COMICALLY) UGLY:

• The guy in the hotel lobby who complained next to my wife about all the “fat asses” competing in triathlons.  Saying something so stupid near a female triathlete who actually has a woman’s body instead of having zero feminine curves proves that there is an ass problem in triathlons.  Just not the kind of ass he was thinking of.
• Me.  I hold most of the governing bodies in triathlon, marathon, etc. in pretty low esteem.  I believe they tacitly encourage obsessive and narcissistic behavior in their members.  To meet a race official who loved my shirt and agreed that more athletes needed to relax, have fun, and pay more attention to their families was a good reminder that I need to not slam groups as a whole so much.

To the person who asked where my wiffleball bat was:  I’m looking in to how much they would cost to make up. 

Thanks

Dave

Think they'll like the shirt?

My shirts are ready for the expo and race day at my wife's USAT Triathlon in Vermont next Saturday.

Think they'll go over well?

Don't ask me to run!!!!

“Start training with your partner.”  It seems like every article, forum, and busybody obsessed athlete suggests that what a workout widow needs to do is just join their partner in running.  I find it amusing.  The same Type A nitwits who would go into withdrawals if someone merely mentioned taking a couple weeks off to spend time with their family think nothing of telling someone that doing the same marathon or triathlon causing some of the issues will fix the issues.  It’s the control freak version of compromise: do it my way and I’m happy.

I’ll be the first to admit I hate exercise.  I’m not opposed to activity, it’s just the whole cult of working out I have trouble with.  Going for a walk with my kids or doing a few minutes on a treadmill is something I do to de-stress, not the next step in an ever changing goal with no end in sight.  I push myself to be a better Dad, a better Husband, a better Christian, and to make more functional and creative products in my shop.  The “importance” of improving transition time, splits, or lap times is a foreign concept to me.

I tried training with my wife- it lasted a week at the gym.  While I’m doing the 100 meter mosey on the indoor track she’s about ready to take a cattle prod to my ass as she zooms by me.  The exercise equipment was even worse.  She showed me her “favorite” one- Freud would have a field day.   We agreed it was not a good mix.  And I definitely don’t want a trainer.  If I’m around someone yelling “Faster! Harder!” it damn well better be my wife and we’d better be naked.

Telling your partner to take up your hobby misses the whole point: relationships are stronger when both partners feel encouraged to pursue there own interests.  Do I give a crap about triathlons and marathons? Nope, but I know how much they help my wife physically and mentally.  By the same token my wife couldn’t care less about bladesmithing (my hobby) but knows how important it is to me.  What matters is knowing you’re equal to the person you love and not seen as a training aid.  If an athlete doesn’t want their partner to resent their hobby, don’t shove it on them and truly encourage them to succeed in their own interests. 

Thanks

Dave

THE Article

If you look at workout widows, one of the first things brought up is a Wall Street Journal article focusing on a family from New York and the effect the husband’s obsessive behavior has on the rest of the family.  Here is the article:

A Workout Ate My Marriage

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703439504576116083514534672.html

When you read it, make sure to check out the comments- they run the gamut from insightful to mind numbing.  I'm not going to give much commontary on this article.  It's best you review this one on your own.  All I have to say is that if my wife was half as bad as this guy it would cause major problems.  Anyone who admits his behavior is selfish but deflects any meaningful change in behavior even after having a mini-intervention has some seriously screwed up priorities.  That’s not being driven; it’s just being an asshole.   

They also touch on my next topic, the idea of exercising together.  Believe me; I’ll have plenty to say about that next time.

Thanks

Dave

What is a Workout Widow?

What is a Workout Widow?  I guess that’s the obvious question.  It varies person to person, but for me it is this:

            A person in a committed relationship whose partner’s exercise intrudes to the point of consistently causing conflict, resentment, or negative pressures on their relationship.

Each situation is different, but there are some common areas where problems arise:

• Financial issues
• Decreased time together
• Less help with household activities
• Less time spent with children
• Pressure to take part in exercise related activities they have no interest in “for your own benefit” or “to spend more time together”
• Decreased sex/ social life
• Feelings that their own hobbies or interests are not as valued or regarded as important as their partner’s “real” hobby   

This is just a small sample of the issues that I will discuss in detail as this blog goes along.  Did you notice a theme among these issues?  Most are about priorities and values.  This isn’t a right/ wrong type situation.  It’s about foster a better relationship where both sides grow not just as individuals but together.

Thanks

Dave

Recipe: Pasta Puttanesca

Meaning “hooker’s pasta”, this dish is like its namesake- spicy, fast, and cheap.  Yes it has anchovies, but it’s not a prevalent flavor.  You must use them or dish isn’t the same.  Even my wife who HATES anchovies loves this dish. 

Ingredients:

2 tblsp extra virgin olive oil

5 cloves garlic, chopped fine or mashed

1 tin flat anchovy fillets packed in oil, drained

½- ¾ tsp crushed red pepper flakes (depending on how hot you want it)

3 tblsp capers

1-15 oz can crushed tomatoes

1-15 oz can diced tomatoes (I like the fire roasted kind for this)

1 pound pasta of your choice- spaghetti or linguine are most common but a short pasta like penne can work as well

Chopped parsley and cheese for garnish

While the water to cook the pasta is getting up to a boil, heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat.  Add the anchovies and sauté for 1 minute before adding the garlic.  Sauté for 2 minutes then add the capers, red pepper flakes, and tomatoes.  Bring to a boil then reduce heat to medium-low or low (depending on how hot your stove is) and simmer while pasta cooks.

Add pasta to boiling water and cook till al dente (firm but not chewy).  Add ¼ cup of the water from the pasta pot to the sauce before draining pasta.  Stir the pasta into the sauce and toss together.  Top with chopped parsley and parmesan cheese.

Serve with bread and a mixed green salad.  If you want to add a meat to the dish, top with grilled Italian sausages, pork chops, or shrimp.

Enjoy!

Dave

Triathletes shoud be beaten

One thing I’ve noticed at all my wife’s events is that 15% of endurance athletes need to be beaten.  Now I don’t mean a serious stomping that results in ER visits and injuries.  What I’m talking about is a good old fashioned “What the Hell’s wrong with you?” boot to the ass to knock the stupid out of their thick skulls.

Before you get your thong in a twist, think about it: 15% is not a bad number.  Every group has about 10% complete and total tools, so a sport based on individual goals only attracting another 5% of arrogant pricks is actually pretty good.  The fact is these people stand out because most athletes do a decent job of not being obsessive.  The people I’m talking about are the outliers.  You’ve seen the type: roving packs of guys and girls wearing trisuits in town the day before the race who can’t remember their spouses’ birthday or the last time they went on a date but can tell you every detail of the last 50 training sessions. 

And please don’t give me the “Less than 1% of all people will ever run a marathon” crap.  Less than 1% will staple their genitals to a spinning windmill blade but you don’t see people handing medals to them afterwards.  The problem comes with so many runners or triathletes forgetting this is their hobby.  If marathons or triathlons are your job that’s one thing.  But neglecting your family so you can be giddy about a medal or a personal best is one hell of a trade off.

I have a challenge to athletes. Answer one question honestly to yourself: is your partner the more important than racing or training?  If the answer is yes then find real tangible way to let them know that.  If the answer is no or even if you really have to think about that one, you’ve got some soul searching to do.

I’m thinking about setting up a expo booth at one the marathons or triathlons.  In the middle of all the booths selling crap for athletes, I’m going to sell wiffle ball bats to their spouses. Along with the bat is a stack of stickers of a jackass.  If an athlete acts like a dingbat to their partner, anyone with a bat gets to (lightly) whack them with it and mark them a sticker.  That will add one more sound to race experience: “THUNK”

TTFN

Dave

WELCOME!

Hello Everyone! Welcome to the inaugural post of Workout Widows, my blog as the spouse of an amateur triathlete and marathoner.  My goal here is to provide a place for the partners of endurance athletes for them to get and share information, commiserate about the good and bad about of have a partner dedicated to/ obsessed with endurance sports, and for non-athletes and athletes to find ways to improve their relationships.

This is not a spot to slam athletes across the board. Being nice to athletes who succeed in making their hobby a part of life instead of the center of it is just as important as pointing out the skewed identity of someone who puts athlete before spouse as how they regard themselves.  75-85% of endurance athletes (bike riders, triathletes, marathoners, ultra runners, etc.) are decent folks who have found do a good job of balancing their hobby and their family lives.  What I will talk about and mock mercilessly are the  15-25% of people who are (for lack of a better term) complete pricks when it comes to non- athletes, including the people who enable them to do the very thing they use to hold themselves above everyone else. 

My slogan is “Partners not Spectators”.   Probably the single biggest thing that sets me off is when I hear athletes deride someone who doesn’t share their interest as a spectator, especially in regard to their own partner.  The spouse or significant other of an endurance athlete is so far from being a spectator that it just makes shake my head at how myopic some people can be.  Spectators see an event and decide to go wave and clap at people they’ve never met.  Most spouses put a ton of time, effort, money, and emotional investment into their partner’s race.  For athlete who is married or in a committed relationship to not realize their successes are just as much to do with their partners as it does with their trainers is just plain arrogant to the point of being blindingly stupid. 

What will I talk about on this blog?  I’ll cover a wide variety of topics that would affect the partners, but it will generally fall into one of these categories:

1. Rants.  My observations and opinions on all things relating to the good and bad regarding being the partner of an endurance athlete.
2. Recipes.  Food, drinks, and snacks that would be fit into an athlete’s diet without tasting like something that would be fed to a sick rabbit.
3. Athlete’s Perspective.  Sometimes I’ll ask my wife or another athlete to give “their side of the story” to something I’ve posted or some event or situation regarding endurance sports.
4. Q&A.  One thing I found when I started a group on Facebook regarding this subject is that no one joined, but I got sent a lot of questions from Workout Widows.  I’ll address those questions as well as questions posed here on this blog.

Hope this is a big help to everyone.

Let the games begin

Dave